CONTEMPLATING DEATH — 2023.5

We passed by the funeral of Maxie's mom. Woman of 92 years.
Makes me think.
What happens when I'm in that coffin --- it's game over. No takebacks. No reverses. No ''I wish I had done X''

As far as I know, that's the end of life.
That's a scary, morbid thought.

Nothing you can do at that point, so better make sure you make the most out of the time you have, while you still have the time you have.

Makes me think, so what's my plan---- what's the plan going into Starr, fully aware of the fact of mortality

When will I finally get up in the morning excited about my day --- maybe boxing. maybe fighting. Not exactly excitement. But passion. You can beat me but by God, you're going to to have to bleed to do it. That shit. There's nothing in life like that feeling.

I realize what's angering me. It's seeing all these dudes with cute girls. I am inadvertently feeling bitter. But I realize that I'm in control of my feeling bitter. I realize that I am the master of my destiny. Ok so I did'nt really mean that phrase ''master of my destiny'' with conviction, but I know deep down, it is true. Because I've learned that if you can manage your own fear, anger, cowardice, and desire to just quit in the face of fear, you can move mountains.

The bitterness adds to the fatigue. Life experience feels different when you're at the top. Or put differently, when you're in the favorable portion of the Pareto distribution.